Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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