I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
