He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
