This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
