I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
