and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Shame - the story of my life.
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