12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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