Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
