the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
