I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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