wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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