i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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