Screwed.edu
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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