sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
