i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
