When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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