just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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