I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
