I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
