So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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