see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
