Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
