This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
