Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
