I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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