i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Text me some of your sweat
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
