I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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