Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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