The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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