Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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