I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
