my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
