At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
