I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
