omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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