I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
