Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
