i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
