just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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