Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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