My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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