Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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