we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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