Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
