Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
