i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
