The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
