hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
