i may or may not be watching the land before time
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
