i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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