oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
